The Final Fantasy Dating Agency
by blue daemon
Summary: What would happen if a trio of villians decided to open their own dating service to all final fantasy worlds...? This was written by me and my friend Kat097 (but mostly by her) so please read her stuff too!
1. Bad Guys & Boredom Don't Mix

The Final Fantasy Dating Agency

Chapter 1: Evil Plots and Boredom 

It was a sunny day in Wutai. Sephiroth yawned and stretched. 

"Ow!" Came an irritated grunt. Kuja glared at the silver-haired fiend, and carefully rearranged his skirt. Sephiroth shrugged, looking down at the town form the Da-Chao Mountain. 

"Sorry." He said. Edea sighed. 

"I'm bored."

"We all are. How are you supposed to have any fun around here?" Kuja moaned, brushing back his hair. Sephiroth rolled his eyes. They had been having the same conversation for days now. Ever since they had all been defeated by their respective enemy's, life had become increasingly dull. The three super villains had taken to sitting on the Da-Chao Mountain just to pass the time, complaining about life. Kuja ground his teeth.

"I hate that stupid monkey. I had everything going for me until he showed up. Just because he's Garland's favourite…" 

"You weren't beaten up by your own orphans though, were you?" Edea pointed out. Sephiroth listened to the banter, eyes half-closed. 

"We need to do something, to clear our bad names." Edea said, brushing her long black skirt down. Sephiroth started to pay a bit more attention.

"Whatever. I'm not donating any money to anything." Kuja warned. Edea nodded.

"Something that will get us money but a feeling of satisfaction, having done something good as well."

"Does something like that actually exist?" Sephiroth asked. Edea shrugged.

"Something that will bring people together and make them happy."  

I don't know… I'm not too good at the whole 'making people happy' thing. Killing them and causing them pain and misery – that's more my area." Sephiroth said doubtfully. Edea sighed exasperatedly.

"This is why you need to improve your whole image! Come on, it'll be fun!"

Kuja and Sephiroth highly doubted this. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

A month later the three baddies stood, gazing up at the sign above the doorway to their new building.

"_THE FINAL FANTASY DATING AGENCY – Your ideal date found in a week!"_

And under this, in miniscule writing is said 'No guarantees." 

"See what we've managed to do? Not only do we get to bring people together, but we also charge them 10 Gil for it!" Edea said enthusiastically. Kuja flipped his hair over his shoulder in a disturbingly effeminate way.

"Well, it DOES look interesting. What do you think, Sephiroth?" The Mako infused eyes searched the sign. 

"I suppose… at least we won't be bored anymore."

"Great! I already sent application forms to the other continents and alternate final fantasy universes. Now we just have to wait for the loveless losers to come rolling in." Edea said, rubbing her hands together in satisfaction. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

In the Final Fantasy 9 world all was not well in Alexandria Castle. Servants all over the castle winced as the shrill tones of their queen reached their ears.

"Zidane! Why can't we go out for dinner?"

"I already told you! I'm meeting the guys at the inn for drinks. I take you out 6 nights a week. Why can't I have a night to myself? I like to meet other people, you know!" The tailed boy protested. Garnet glared at him.

"You're SO selfish, Zidane! And surprisingly enough I don't find watching you hanging from the battlements by your tail that exciting!" 

She turned and stormed from the room. As she slammed the door to her bedroom, Dagger picked up the post.

"Bill, bill, advertisement, bill… for an airship? I'm going to kill Zidane." She muttered, throwing the mail to one side and looking at the last letter.

"A dating agency? Hmm…" She opened the letter.

_Hi!_

_          Looking for love and unable to find it? Never fear, the Final Fantasy Dating Agency is here to help! Just fill in one of the enclosed forms and hand the rest out to your friends. Then return the form along with ten Gil and we'll find your ideal partner within a week! _

A small, sadistic, satisfied and sweetly scary smile spread across the Queen's face. Picking up her pen she started to fill in two forms. One for herself.

And one for Zidane.

"He wants to talk to other people? Well let him!" She cackled. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Freya sighed. About ten minutes ago Dagger had skipped into the courtyard and thrust a piece of paper into her hands, telling her to cheer up for god's sake. Her words. Not Freya's.

Freya examined the application form again. A dating agency? Hmm. Interesting. It was true, she had pretty miserable lately. Ever since Lord Fratley had regained his memory and realised he had married a bar keeper in Treno while drunk, she had been down in the dumps.

Well… she was always prepared to try new things. Dagger had already told her that Amarant had agreed to fill in a form. She wasn't quite sure how Dagger had convinced the surly bounty hunter to do it, but then again Dagger could be quite convincing. 

Freya started to fill in the form. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Adelbert Steiner watched Beatrix fill in the application with irritation. Yes, they had agreed to take a break from each other so as to focus better on their work, but why did she have to enter this ridiculous Agency?

He glared at his own form. Well, he wasn't about to be left out. If Beatrix was doing one, then he most certainly was going to as well. Show her who was in charge. And on top of that he was going to have to make sure that the Knights of Pluto trained a damn sight harder. There was no way he was going to let Beatrix's soldiers beat the Knights of Pluto AGAIN. He seized a pen and started to scribble on the form. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

In the FF8 world, things weren't much better. Rinoa Heartilly walked around Balamb Garden, thoroughly irritated. Would it kill Squall to show a little emotion now and then? Sure, the Garden a lot of work, but they all helped. 

Rinoa paused at a post box and looked down at the application forms in her hand. Squall wouldn't appreciate this. She knew that much. But maybe, if he went on a date with someone exactly like him, he would start to see exactly how she felt. And her own form? Well, that was just out curiosity!

She slipped the two letters through the slot and smiled. 

Meanwhile, Selphie and Zell were in the canteen, eating Hotdogs. Selphie stuffed a hotdog into her mouth and said,

"Being single sucks."

"Yeah."

"I want to go out with someone! You know, to have fun!"  Zell nodded, and said a through a mouthful of hotdog,

"I know what you mean. Library girl put a restraining order on me. I'm not allowed within thirty feet of her at any time." 

"Super-dooper-mega-bummer." Selphie said sympathetically.

They ate a few more hotdogs and the dinner lady came over with a new plate. 

"Maybe you should apply for this new dating agency." She suggested, clearing away several plates. The two loveless heroes looked at her.

"What?" Selphie asked. The dinner lady handed her a couple of forms.

"They set you up with your ideal partner from their database."

"Hmm… well, no harm in trying."  Zell said, writing his name on the form. Selphie started to fill hers in too, eating another hotdog as she did. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

And now we return to the world of Final Fantasy 7.  But before we join our villains in Wutai, we first go to the peaceful village of Nibelheim. There we can find two women, and a cloaked man sitting in the sunshine. 

The pink-clad Aeris kicked the ground with her combat boot. Tifa watched her sullenly. Ever since Aeris had been resurrected by accident (Someone had been using a life materia when lightening hit them. The resulting power surge caused the ancient to come back to life - unfortunately she was still at the bottom of the lake when it happened) life had been stressful. Cloud, never too bright especially after spending so long the lifestream, had had a heart attack when the drenched and rather annoyed Aeris knocked on their front door. After recovering, he had completely forgotten that Tifa existed, so glad was he to see his friend alive.

Aeris wasn't too bothered. She didn't really like Cloud that way. Tifa on the other hand was desperately in love with the spiky-haired hero. Vincent Valentine, always rather depressing, had merely joined them from lack of better things to do. Tifa groaned angrily.

"That's it! I give up! Cloud is never going to fall in love with me! I might as well give up now!"

"I know what you mean. I saved the bloody planet, and still no one wants to go out with me." The flower girl fumed. Vincent shrugged.

"The only woman I ever loved left me for an evil scientist. I'd say we're all a bit down on luck, especially in the love life area."

They sat in silence for a little longer. Then a kleptomaniac by name of Yuffie Kisaragi approached them.

"Gawd! You look like Sephiroth just summoned another meteor!"

"That would be good. Might liven this place up a little." Tifa grumbled. Yuffie rolled her eyes.

"I'm fed up with you three moping all the time. Here, fill in these. I'm doing one, Cloud's doing one, and I'm pretty sure Cid's doing one too! Shera got fed up with waiting for him and filled her own in. So I left one on Cid's paperwork pile. He doesn't even pay attention to this stuff, just filled it right on in." 

She gave each of them an application form. Vincent gave her a withering look but the teenager's aggressively happy demeanour merely reflected the look. 

"It'll be fun! You could meet a martial artist," she pointed at Tifa, "You could meet a gardener" She looked at Aeris, "And YOU could meet another vampire!"

"I'm not a vampire." Vincent muttered sourly. Yuffie shrugged.

"Whatever. Just fill them in." 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Half an hour later Yuffie carried the pile of forms to the letter box. Tipping them in, she dusted her hands and turned around, bumping straight into Reno of the Turks.

"Reno!"

"Oh god, it's you." The red haired man groaned. Yuffie glared at him before notice the letter in his hand.

"Oh my GAWD! You're entering the Dating Agency."

"It was a bet. I get a free dinner from Rude if I go on two dates from their agency." He explained, pushing the letter into the box. Yuffie giggled.

"Whatever dude."

"Hey, it's the truth!"

"Sure it is. Well, see you around!" Yuffie skipped away, still chortling. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Edea gleefully rifled through the huge amount of reply slips.

"This is perfect! We've already made tons of money and now have loads of lives to mess with!"

Kuja opened an application form.

"Geez, what a loser." He said, tossing the form at Sephiroth who read it. Edea snatched it from him.

"Come on, we have to open these and sort them out!" 

The two male (and I use male the loosest sense possible) villains exchanged weary glances. Sometimes this woman's enthusiasm was slightly overwhelming. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 


	2. Application Forms

Chapter 2: The Final Fantasy application forms

Name: Cloud Strife 

Age: 21

Hometown: Nibelheim 

About me: 

Ex member of soldier. Current member of AVALANCHE. I saved the planet. That makes me cool right? Anyway, I have a big sword. My friend Cid says I'm compensating for something. I'm not sure what he means by that. Cid says a lot of things I don't understand. I'm looking for a nice girl who will explain this kind of thing to me. Also to help me tie my shoelaces. 

Likes: Swords, weapons, shiny things like materia. They're very pretty. 

Dislikes: Sephiroth, meteors, evil scientists and Mako poisoning. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): A nice girl. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Tifa Lockheart

Age: 20

Hometown: Nibelheim

About me:

I run a small bar called 7th heaven, in Nibelheim. I' m also a member of Avalanche. I'm a martial artist and can kick butt. I also have a well endowed figure but don't let that influence you! 

Likes: Big swords, kicking butt, friendly people. 

Dislikes: People who burn down my town, people who drop plates on my friends, and people who drain life out of the planet. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): I'm looking for a friendly, cute guy who can put up a decent fight!

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Aeris Gainsborough 

Age: 22

Hometown: Unknown 

About me:

I'm an Ancient, and I grow flowers. I died a little while ago, but I'm still fun! I like friendly people who I can talk to. 

Likes: Flowers, materia, friends

Dislikes: Big, pointy swords. Also Jenova. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): I would like to meet a guy who's understanding and kind, and isn't all 'me me me'.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Yuffie Kisaragi

Age: 16

Hometown: Wutai 

About me: 

I'm a Lady from Wutai. Yeah, a LADY! Intimidated? You should be. I enjoy hanging out with my friends from AVALANCHE. Yeah, we're the group that saved the world! So you better be nice to me! 

Likes: Materia. Not any old kind, the mastered and rare kind. Just the good stuff. 

Dislikes: People who have a go at me for 'stealing' materia. It's not stealing; I'm just using my god-given abilities! 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): A hot guy with good materia. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Cid Highwind

Age: 35

Hometown: Rocket Town

About me:

I'm an airship pilot and I like things to go MY way. So you'd better pay attention! Because I'm not soft and I'm not a pushover!

Likes: Space, stars, rockets.

Dislikes: Incompetence and hold ups. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): I want a woman who will pay attention to what I'm saying and who has to appreciate space. The kind up there. Also, must be able to know what the hell I'm talking about. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Vincent Valentine

Age: 27

Hometown: Unknown

About me:

I'm a failed genetic experiment of Professor Hojo's. I am not a vampire. I just wear a black cloak and have a metal claw because I like them. Not a vampire.

Likes: The night time, good cooking, nature.

Dislikes: Scientists. People who think I'm a vampire. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): An understanding, sensitive woman, who isn't squeamish. Also, must not like scientists.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Shera

Age: 34

Hometown: Rocket Town

About me:

I'm currently working on a space ship in Rocket Town. I hope to go into space one day. I want to be a proper astronaut, not just a technician. 

Likes: Nature, space, rockets.

Dislikes: Countdowns. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): Someone who isn't afraid to speak his mind and will be honest with me. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Reno

Age: 23

Hometown: Unknown

About me:

I'm a Turk, so if you like a man in uniform, I'm him! I like shooting stuff and making money. 

Likes: Money, guns, weapons 

Dislikes: Rebel Groups and big companies

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): A hot girl. Don't care about the brain. As long as she's got the looks.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Zidane

Age: 16

Hometown: Lindblum

About me: Oooh…I am a selfish young rogue who has absolutely no education and can't bear to spend any time away from my fiendish friends. Not even for a meal with a girl.

Likes: Hanging from battlements with my stupid tail.

Dislikes: commitment

I'm looking for: man / woman (please specify): woman. A hot one. No ugly or fat women please. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Adelbert Steiner – Captain of the great knights of Pluto!

Age: None of your damn business

Hometown: Alexandria

About me: Well accomplished, good connections, I like to fight for the good of the land and save damsels in distress…that sort of thing…

Likes: Speaking proudly of protecting queen Garnet and Alexandria, doing my duty, fighting bravely, and ridiculing lower classes for their lack of doing the afore mentioned responsibilities (like the accursed Zidane)

Dislikes: Zidane (although he is skilled with a sword, I reluctantly acknowledge), wasting money, time or effort, lower class fools.

I'm looking for: man / woman (please specify): A respectable lady in need of protection.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Dagger…or Garnet til Alexandros 17th

Age: 16

Hometown: Alexandria (but originally Maiden Sari)

About me: Well, I'm the Queen of Alexandria; I have recently helped save the world from destruction and am presently seeking a promising relationship from a worthy man who will buy me expensive things!

Likes: Anything with frills, anything outrageously expensive, doing sensible things and acting maturely for my age. 

Dislikes: mindless blather or banter of any sort, rudeness, bad dress sense, people who try to steal my kingdom

I'm looking for: man / woman (please specify): Man. A good looking one. No boring, old or ugly men who just want me for my riches (of which I have loads ^_^!!). 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Beatrix

Age: None of your business! 

Hometown: Alexandria

About me: I am incredibly strong and I stand for the rights and privileges of all women (except the pathetic dependant-on-men ones)

Likes: Beating bad guys to a bloody pulp whilst still keeping my hair in place with this super new mousse I use. (Armour hair mousse - XXX strong), arranging flowers and queens who betray my trust. 

Dislikes: Sexist men, wasting time and this new invention I hear of called the television.

I'm looking for: man / woman (please specify): A strong man, with a mind of his own and who doesn't mind being outshone by me. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Freya Crescent

Age: I'd rather not say.

Hometown:  Cleyra

About me: An honest soldier, prepared to do anything to protect my king and save the world and other noble deeds I get no credit for.

Likes: Jumping really high.

Dislikes: Old boyfriends with amnesia and people who wear revealing clothing.

I'm looking for: man / woman (please specify): a man. One who can remember who I am. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: The flaming Amarant

Age:

Hometown: Treno

About me: I was a guard at the auction house in Treno until I got my reputation ruined by that child, Zidane. Still trying to figure out what makes him tick…Now I hire myself out as a thug for good money. I have this really big hair which has a mind of its own too. It can smell fear… 

Likes: beating the crap out of anything that moves.

Dislikes: brats, children…brats…uh…And rain (it gets my hair all frizzy)

I'm looking for: man / woman (please specify): A woman. One who will give me lots of attention and admire my broodiness.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Squall Leonheart

Age: 17

Hometown: whatever…

About me: Whatever…I'm kinda quiet and thoughtful…I'm a SEED at Balamb Garden or whatever…

Likes: whatever…doing stuff I guess…fighting and whatever…

Dislikes: talking about, showing or having feelings, emotional baggage and hot dogs.

I'm looking for: man / woman (please specify): An interesting woman who doesn't feel the need to keep talking 24/7. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Rinoa Heartilly. 

Age: 17

Hometown: Galbadia. 

About me: I helped save the world a little while ago. That was super fun. I have a cute dog called Angelo and I like feathers. Oh yeah, I'm also a sorceress, but I'm a good one! 

Likes: Dogs, sweet people, magic.

Dislikes: Selfishness, cats and evilness. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): A nice, romantic, heartfelt guy who will appreciate me. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Selphie Tilmett

Age: 17

Hometown: Trabia

About me: I'm a very optimistic person, and it takes a lot to get me down! So be prepared for lots of fun! (But not THAT kind.)

Likes: Happy people, flowers, kicking evil butt.

Dislikes: Guys coming up to me in the corridor and asking me if I have any crack… why do they keep doing that?

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): A fun guy who wants to have a good time. (But not THAT kind of good time.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Name: Zell Dincht

Age: 17

Hometown: Balamb. 

About me: I'm a cool, T-board flying dude with a great attitude! I love the good things in life, like hotdogs and rock music. I'm also pretty handy with my fists! 

Likes: T-boards, defeating evil and hotdogs.

Dislikes: Authority. 

I'm looking for: man/woman (please specify): A cute girl with an attitude. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

The three villains finished reading and exchanged glances.

"You know… none of these people seem very evil-friendly… maybe this wasn't such a great idea…" said Kuja, nervously chewing a perfectly manicured fingernail. Sephiroth nodded.

"I really don't think we should do this, Edea."

Even the ex-evil sorceress seemed a bit put of persevered. 

"Oh, come on! I know it seems bad now… but we've got the money and 18 people who want dates. And you know what they say…'If things seem bad-"

"Do a half-arsed job?" Sephiroth suggested. Edea considered then nodded.

"OK then." They grabbed some of the forms each and randomly clipped the forms together. 

"Let's see who we've got here…" Edea said and read the list aloud.

Pair 1: Shera and Zidane

Pair 2: Garnet and Cid

Pair 3: Reno and Rinoa

Pair 4: Cloud and Beatrix

Pair 5: Selphie and Amarant

Pair 6: Yuffie and Vincent

Pair 7: Squall and Aeris

Pair 8: Tifa and Steiner

Pair 9: Zell and Freya.

"Another job well done!" Kuja said, sticking post-it notes to the paired forms. Sephiroth read one.

"The Gold Saucer? Oh, the date location."

"Exactly. Then we just send off the information the customers and we've made ourselves a fortune and helped people out. You know, this doing good isn't that bad." Edea said.

The three villains gave each other pleased looks. Yes, things were turning out quite well indeed. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 


	3. Shera & Zidane's and Tifa & Steiner's Da...

****

**Shera and Zidane – The Alexandria Theatre**

Shera: Hmm… how this town lacks technology. I have the sudden longing to put up a satellite dish. 

Zidane: (Approaching) Are you Shera?

Shera: Yes. You must be Zidane. Hmm… I didn't know how young you were going to be.

Zidane: Yeah, well, I didn't actually apply for the agency. My friend played a joke on me.

Shera: Ah, I see. Well, I believe we're going to this theatre.

Zidane: Hey! I know this place! My friend, Ruby, runs it.

Shera: How nice. Shall we?

(They enter the theatre.) 

Ruby: Well, hello there! Omigosh, Zidane, darlin'! How are ya?

Zidane: I'm good, Ruby. This is Shera. She's from Rocket town, in another universe. 

Shera: Nice to meet you.

Ruby: Gotta go!

(She hides behind the counter, while Shera and Zidane sat down.)

Ruby: Omigosh, Zidane is cheating on Dagger! I gotta find out what's goin' on!

(At the table)

Shera: So how, far have you gone into space, in this world?

Zidane: Space? How are we supposed to get up there?

Shera: You mean… you haven't discovered space travel yet?

Zidane: Nope. Hey, we're just about on airships.

Shera: You poor, poor dear. 

Ruby: Hey y'all! Drinks anyone?

Shera: A coffee please. Strong.

Zidane: Same.

Ruby: So how did you two meet? How long you been going out? What's the age difference? Picked out any names for kids yet?

Zidane: Are you OK?

Shera: You look a little flushed.

Ruby: Fine, darlin's! So, picked a church yet?

Zidane: What are you talking about?

Shera: I'm rather confused.

Ruby: I'm just askin' perfectly normal questions about yer relationship, honey! 

Zidane: What relationship?

Ruby: Yours.

Shera: Oh, I understand. Ruby, you seem to have-

Ruby: Oops, kettles boiling, look's like I'll have to miss the end of that explanatory sentence! (Rushes away.)

(An Hour later. Zidane and Shera both look bored and Ruby is sitting under the table.)

Zidane: So…

Shera: Yes…

Ruby: Must be code, or summin'.

Zidane: Nice lab coat you've got there.

Ruby: Omigosh, he complimented her lab coat! I've never heard him compliment DAGGER'S lab coat. 

Shera: Thank you. Nice tail. 

Ruby: Could they BE flirting any more? 

Zidane: Thanks. I groomed it this morning.

Shera: Really?

Zidane: Yeah.

(Awkward silence. A few crickets chirp)

Shera: Well, is that the time already? I'm getting tired, I'd better be going. 

Zidane: 8:15. Wow. Late. Yeah, well, it was nice meeting you.

Shera: Thanks, you too. Ruby, could you pass my bag up?

Ruby: Sure Darlin'. (Passes, the bag, still sitting under the table)

Zidane: Well… bye.

Shera: Yeah. Bye.

(She leaves. Ruby emerges from under the table.)

Ruby: I cannot believe you, Zidane Tribal!

Zidane: Huh?

Ruby: The electricity between you two! I mean, you could at least have told her about Dagger.

(She continues to rant as Zidane leaves.) 

**Tifa & Steiner's Date – The Golden Saucer**

*Tifa is wandering around at the entrance alone*

Tifa: This'll be fun! I hope I like this guy!

Steiner: Excuse me, madam,

Tifa: Huh? Are you Steiner?

Steiner: Yes.

*Awkward silence*

Tifa: I'm Tifa. Good to meet ya!

Steiner: Likewise. I am Adelbert Steiner of Alexandria.

Tifa: That's a bit of a mouthful…Can I just call you Steiner?

Steiner: Everybody does. Shall we go in?

Tifa: Sure. Have you been to the Golden Saucer before?

Steiner: I assure you Tifa that I have never been to this world before. The experience is rather unnerving…

Tifa: Oh! Well, I'll have to show you around then! Follow me!

*They set off in the direction of the chocobo races*

Steiner: Uh…we appear to be falling rather fast through a dark hole…is this normal?

Tifa: Yeah! Fun huh?

Steiner: *feeling like his stomach is about to pop up and say 'hi'*

Yes! Great fun! 

Tifa: Uh…

Steiner: Is anything the matter?

Tifa: Is that a tux you're wearing under armour??

Steiner: *blushing* Well I…

Tifa: Do you always wear armour? It's a little…noisy…

Steiner: I never take it off.

Tifa: Well, lucky for you there's a shop near here where they sell WD40 and I'm pretty sure they have some men's perfume…not that I'm trying to tell you anything.

Steiner: I'm not sure I understand this WD40 of which you speak…

Tifa: Oh, never mind! never mind! Let's just have a good time!

*They arrive at the races*

 Um…I heard you work for a princess or something?

Steiner: A Queen actually. Queen Garner Till Alexandros. I would protect her with my life. It is my sworn duty! I am the captain of the knights of Pluto! *Beams proudly*

Tifa: Oh. That's nice. I run a bar in Midgar.

Steiner: Would that be the large dark city I heard was destroyed…?

Tifa: Uh…yeah…

Steiner: *Blinks* Forgive my indiscretion.

Tifa: It's fine really! Here we are! The chocobo races! I'm a good rider myself you know.

Steiner: Some of these chocobo are odd colours you know…and they look somewhat less detailed than what I'm used to…like they have less pixels or something…Did you say races??

Tifa: Of course! It's great fun! Who shall we bet to win?

Steiner: Madam!! I am against gambling of all sorts! I apologise but I refuse to be a part of it!

Tifa:  *slightly annoyed* Oh…Fine. How about we get something to eat? There's a new place that's opened up.

Steiner: Yes, that sounds good. Do they have Gysahl pickles here?

*They enter the restaurant*

Tifa: Isn't this lovely? Let's go over there, by the window. I'm really hungry!

Steiner: All the people...their hands…They have no fingers! Big block hands…I mean mine aren't that good but this is ridiculous! Block hands…*shudders* 

Tifa: *seemingly not noticing his outburst* So do you like to fight?

Steiner: Whether I like to fight or not is irrelevant. It is my duty to defend the innocent and if I have to fight, I fight. That duty goes beyond my personal preferences…*mutters* it is kinda fun though…

Tifa: Uhuh…Bet you couldn't take me on though.

Steiner: Miss Tifa! I wouldn't want to!

Tifa: Oh boy…Steiner, you need to loosen up! Ah! Look the food's here.

Steiner: We didn't even order…

Tifa: Never mind that now. Here. *hands over some spaghetti*

Steiner: Stop!!

Tifa: *spitting out a mouthful of food* Whaa!?

Steiner: That food could be poisoned! I must defend you with my life! 

*eats half of the food from her plate*

Tifa: That wasn't poison. That was carbonara. My carbonara.

Steiner: My humblest apologies, Tifa, but I have had a bad experience with food before…And you can never be too careful in places such as these…

Tifa: Places such as these!? This is a 5 star restaurant!!

Steiner: You're right…I'm sorry. *sits back down*

Tifa: Uh...Steiner? Your…um…mascara's running.

Steiner: What!? Ah! Please excuse me! *runs to the bathroom muttering 'crap crap crap!'*

Tifa: What an odd guy…kinda smelly, defensive, his armour's so noisy! But I guess he's kind of sweet…in an overprotective way…and he wears too much make-up!

*waiter arrives*

Ah! Waiter! Can I please have the wine list? I think this guy's paying and I love this stuff!

Waiter: Very good madam. *bows*

Steiner: *running from bathroom* Nooooo!!

*charges at the waiter sending him sprawling*

He was going to attack you!

Tifa: *unimpressed* He was giving me the wine list.

Steiner: It-It's my duty to defend you with my li-

Tifa: *interrupting* No, Steiner. It's not. It's your duty to help me have a nice evening and pay for it afterwards. Since you can't even get that right I don't think this is going to work…I'll let you take care of the bill.

Steiner: But Beatrix!

Tifa: *gasps and slaps him hard* You could at least get my name right, jerk! *storms off*

Steiner: *collapses into his chair and sighs, rubbing his cheek* I'm too old for this…or maybe it's my armour…I hope Beatrix is having as good a time as I am…how odd that she should say her name…*finishes both meals sulkily*  


	4. Squall & Aeris and Reno & Rinoa's Dates!

Squall and Aeris – Mideel

(Aeris is sitting a candlelit table, next to the Lifestream Lake.) 

Aeris: Hmm… I hope this guy is nice. 

(Squall appears.)

Aeris: Hi! You must be Squall! I'm Aeris; it's great to meet you!

Squall: …Whatever. 

Aeris: OK… well, shall we eat? 

Squall: 'K.

(They order food and Squall looks at the lifestream.)

Squall: What the hell is that?

Aeris: The soul of the planet, combined with the souls of every living thing. 

Squall: …whatever.

Aeris: I'm able to communicate with them… wanna see?

Squall: …Whatever.  

Aeris: OK. Hey, mom! You there? (The lifestream swirls around.) Yeah, I'm good. How's Dad? Everything OK? This is Squall. Yeah, we're on a date.

Squall: That green goo is your mom?

Aeris: Just her soul. 

Squall: …Whatever.

Aeris: See you later Mom! 

(They eat in silence. Aeris looks at him.)

Aeris: So… tell me about yourself.

Squall: Why?

Aeris: Because we're on a date silly! That's what you do on a date. For instance: My name is Aeris, and I'm a flower seller. I died a while ago, but I'm OK now. I'm also an ancient and can communicate with lost souls.

Squall: …whatever.

Aeris: Is that all you ever say? 

Squall: No.

Aeris: OK then… what do you do for a living?

Squall: I'm a SEED. I fight evil

Aeris: See? We already have some stuff in common. I like flowers, and you're a SEED. We both fight evil.

Squall: Did you say you died?

Aeris: Yeah, it was this whole thing with Jenova and the end of the world and a REALLY big pointy sword.

Squall: Whatever.

(An hour later. Aeris is chatting with the lifestream and Squall has gone.)

Aeris: And then, he was all like- hang on, where did Squall go?

Random passer-by: He left an hour ago.

Aeris: Nasty git! Ugh, I hate men like that. That is SO rude! 

(She stands and storms away. Then pauses and comes back.)

Aeris: Hee hee, left his wallet.

(She pockets the wallet and leaves.)

Reno & Rinoa's Date At the Qu Clan Marshes 

*Reno is alone wandering around - lost*

Reno: Well this is one hell of a place for a date… Am I early? Or is she late? Why don't I have a watch? Oh man I hope she's a looker…hmm…I should really stop talking to myself.

Rinoa: Hello? Is that um…Reno?

Reno: Over here!

Rinoa: I can't see over these reeds! Where are you?

Reno: Over here! Just…just follow my voice! *Starts humming*

Rinoa: Ah! Found you! Oh…*Blushes* they didn't say you were so handsome!

Reno: Wow! You're a babe! I mean-uh…I'm Reno. You're Rinoa right?

Rinoa: That's right. Who decided on this location? I'm covered in mud! My shoes are ruined! I can't replace these in this universe!

Reno: *Trying out some cheesy lines* You don't need shoes to look good to me.

Rinoa: *blushes* thank you!

Reno: And the dating agency sent us to this location. Look, there's a blanket over there to sit on. Come on, doll.

Rinoa: Please. Don't call me doll. That's an age old criticism , meant to demean women and give men superiority over us. I am not a 'doll'. I am a human being with thoughts and ambitions! *fumes*

Reno: (Yeah, and you talk too much!) Sorry uh Rinoa. You're right. Can I start over? Let's go sit down. (This sucking up had better be worth it…)

Rinoa: *suddenly happy* That sounds good. 

*They sit down*

Rinoa: They said you were a Turk right? What is that? Some romantic organisation, I suppose, who fights defending what is right and good from the baddies who try to rule by force? Just like Garden?

Reno: Uh…sure! Yeah, we even saved the world one time. There was an evil group called AVALANCHE and it was this whole big thing!

Rinoa: Wow…My hero, but not in a sexist, helpless-woman kind of way.

Reno: (This is too easy!) Of course! *Puts an arm around her* So is there anything to eat gere? *looks around. A large shadow looms behind him*

Big looming shadow: You want food now?

Reno: *jumping up* Aah! What the hell is that!?

Big looming shadow: I Quina! I come back for vacation and frogs and Master Qu say feed guests. This hard so Moogles help!

Rinoa: Well isn't that nice!

Reno: This is too weird for me. You're OK with this thing!?

Rinoa: Don't be rude!

Reno: *confused* I'm not. I'm Reno. Rude's in Midgar somewhere…

Rinoa: I think…uh…he or she's kinda cute don't you?

Reno: No! *to Quina* please leave! We're on a date!

Quina: You hurt Quina's feelings…I bring Moogles and go home to cry. MOOGLES! FOOD TIME!!!

*Lots of Moogles appear putting out plates of food and lighting candles and other romantic stuff. Some nice music plays from somewhere. Then they're alone once more*

Reno: *sitting down again* This is more like it!

Rinoa: It really is a nice evening…even though it is a swamp…*Starts eating* Yummy! This is good! 

Reno: Not as good as you.

Rinoa: *Giggles* Oh you're so sweet!

*Reno yawns and puts an arm around her ACCIDENTLY!*

Rinoa: The sky is pretty.

Reno: Well, I can se it in your eyes…

Rinoa: Awww…

*A frog jumps from nowhere onto Reno's plate. It grins at him*

Reno: *Girly scream* Aaaaaeeeeeeeiiiiiii!!!!!

Rinoa: Oh it's so cute! I shall call it Froggy, and it shall be mine. And it shall be my Froggy!

Reno: *Shudders*

Rinoa: You wanna hold him? He's only a little slimy!

Reno: *Jumping up again* Eww! No!

*Quina comes along with an armful of oglops*

Quina: You want Oglop? You pick Oglop, I cook real good.

Reno: What the hell are those!? 

Quina: Quina show you. *holds one up close to Reno's face*

Reno: *Faints*

Rinoa: Well, he's no fun. Did we kill him, Quina?

Quina: Quina give him mouth to mouth! *Kisses Reno*

Reno: *Opening eyes at the view of Quina bent over him* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *Splutters* Hack!! Hack!!

*Reno runs away over the horizon at double the speed of a very fast thing*

Rinoa: *Pouting* Who's gonna take me home now?? Ooh! An Oglop! So cute!


	5. Freya & Zell and Selphie & Amarant!

Freya and Zell – Balamb Garden 

(Freya walks into canteen and sees Zell chomping down on Hotdogs.)

Freya: Are you Zell?

Zell: Omph! (Mouth full)

Freya: I see… how nice of you to wait for me.

Zell: *swallows* no, no… Sorry bout this! It's just I was hungry… and if I don't eat the hotdogs they make here quick enough, they sell them! TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!!!! Can you believe that?! But don't worry, I can eat all evening.

Freya: Alright then. I'm Freya, nice to meet you.

Zell: Hey. Uh… nice tail.

Freya: You knew, I assume, that I am not of your species?

Zell: Well yes, but you still look really cute, you know?

Freya: Oh, well thank you. I like your tattoo.

Zell: (Starts eating another hotdog. With a mouthful) So Freya, tell me about yourself.

Freya: I diligently serve my king, and this is the first date I've had for years, since my previous boyfriend left me, and got amnesia.

Zell: Wow… that's gotta suck.

Freya: Yes. Yes it does.

(Awkward silence.) 

Zell: So…

Freya: Yes?

Zell: that's all I've got. 

Freya: Well… what do you like to do?

Zell: Eat. And watch the Simpsons… they're so goofy, with their hilarious misadventures and yellowness!

Freya: I know not what you're saying. But I'll smile and nod anyway. Interesting trousers. Did you rip them?

Zell: These are the height of fashion, dude!

Freya: What is this Dude of which you speak?

Zell: Your lingo is so wack, homey!!

Freya: I beg your pardon?

Zell: Whassup!

Freya: I must object to this peculiar behaviour!

(Library girl runs in, looking angry.)

LG: ZELL DINCHT!

Zell: Uh oh…

Freya: Who is this maiden?

LG: Did you send me this pornographic letter?

Freya: Dear god!

Zell: well…

LG: You pervert! I'm having you bumped back to 50 feet!

Zell: Aw man!

Freya: I must leave. You are too strange for my shattered nerves. 

(She walks out, as Library Girl calls the police.)

Zell: Best relationship I've ever had… longest too… (Eats more hotdogs.)

**  
** Selphie and Amarant – Treno 

(Selphie is sitting outside the card house in Treno.)

Selphie: La la la, I hope my date is here soon. I can't wait to see the hunk I got paired up with!

Amarant: (Approaches, stops and stares) That can' be my date…

Selphie: Hi! Are you Amarant? Wow, you're really tall! Not that that's a bad thing…It's just that I'm kind of short, and it's kinda hard for me to see you without breaking my back, but that'll be ok!

Amarant: You're Selphie?

Selphie: Yup! Isn't this great? I just entered the agency for fun, I didn't expect to meet anyone particularly cool but you look cool and I like you're hair and it makes it kinda hard to see your face and all…

Amarant: Let's just go in.

(Attendant appears)

Attendant: Welcome to Treno! Are you here to play cards, or for a meal? We now offer both options.

Selphie: Well actually we're here for a meal. You see we're on a date and it's our first one.

Attendant: Ah, you're the couple from the agency? We have a meal prepared for you.

Selphie: Oh wow! Isn't that great, Amarant? I'm starving and this is so exciting! Aren't you excited?

Amarant: …Ecstatic…

Selphie: Me too! Isn't that fantastic we have so much in common already!

(They sit down. There's a bouquet of red flowers on the table)

Selphie: Wow, isn't it great in here? It's so pretty! I just love it here don't you? I don't really play cards much but I might be tempted to here because it's so nice and professional and just great! Aren't these flowers great? They look just like your hair!

Amarant: (disbelievingly) Did you really just say that…?

Selphie: (not listening) Everyone's so intelligent here! Not like Garden. Everyone there is so immature, not like me, they just never stop talking y'know? 

Amarant: I know…

Selphie: And they're always eating the hotdogs and not leaving any for me, isn't that rude? (salivates) My precious hotdogs…

Amarant: (leaves with his plate)

Selphie: (Talking to the bouquet) Did you know if you use conditioner your hair would get a lot more bounce in it…and you must use some great shampoo coz your hair smells really sweet!

Attendant: Uh, miss? You're date has-

Selphie: Hey! We're in the middle of a conversation here! Ugh, how rude! Anyway where was I? Everyone asks how I get my hair to stay like this, and it's really simple. The secret is to stick your finger into an electrical socket once a day and it gives your hair that healthy bounce! I bet you were just about to ask me that! Do they have hotdogs here? Well that's rude! Hotdogs should be everywhere! They never leave any for me at Garden, did I mention how nice your hair smells?


	6. Garnet & Cid and Yuffie & Vincent's Date...

**Yuffie and Vincent – Conde Petie**  
  
(Vincent is standing just outside Conde Petie, holding a red rose. Yuffie comes skipping up.)  
  
Yuffie: Vincent! YOU'RE my date?!  
  
Vincent: (Shocked) So it would seem. We have a meal waiting inside.  
  
Yuffie: Cool... the food I mean. I would SO never go out with you, you being a vampire and all. I guess the Dating Agency messed up. Hey, we're getting a free meal out of it at least.  
  
Vincent: I'm not a vampire.  
  
Yuffie: Whatever. Hey look, at that guy! He's like a garden gnome!  
  
Dwarf: Rally ho! Would ye be the party from the dating agency? We've been told tae give ye a grand meal!  
  
Yuffie: Sounds great! Let's go!  
  
(They try to enter but the dwarf blocks the way.)  
  
Dwarf: Ye must sae the greeting!  
  
Yuffie: What greeting, funny goblin man?  
  
Dwarf: I be a dwarf. And ye must sae Rally Ho!  
  
Yuffie: Oh! OK, then. Rally Ho!  
  
Vincent: I'm not saying that. I still have my dignity.  
  
Yuffie: Oh come on. I'm starving! Just say it and let's go in!  
  
Vincent: No.  
  
Yuffie: Please?  
  
Vincent: No.  
  
Yuffie: Please  
  
Vincent: No.  
  
Yuffie: You're so dumb, Vincent!  
  
Vincent: No, I'm proud. There's a difference you know.  
  
Yuffie: Just say the damn greeting!  
  
Vincent: Not a chance in hell.  
  
Yuffie: Aw, come on!  
  
Vincent: No.  
  
Yuffie: Stupid vampire.  
  
Vincent: I'm not a vampire!  
  
Yuffie: Whatever – I'm hungry, dude! You can stay out here and be all mysterious if you want. I'm getting me some food.  
  
(She goes in and Vincent glares at the dwarf.)  
  
Dwarf: Tae be sure, you're a surly one! Sure ye don't want to come in?  
  
Vincent: I'm not saying that greeting.  
  
Dwarf: Fair enough. So where be ye from?  
  
Vincent: The final fantasy 7 world.  
  
Dwarf: Oh, that's lovely. I've lived in Conde Petie me whole life, and I love it here. I've got three daughters, lovely girls they be.  
  
Vincent: ...  
  
(Yuffie is eating platefuls of food inside the village. One of the mother dwarfs approaches her.)  
  
Dwarf: What's a lovely lassie like ye doing alone?  
  
Yuffie: My date wouldn't say the greeting.  
  
Dwarf: Oh, ye poor dear. Don't worry, plenty of oglops on the farm.  
  
Yuffie: What's an Oglop?  
  
Dwarf: My son William is looking for a bride as it happens. He's a good lad and he'd like a pretty girl like ye.  
  
Yuffie: What? I don't wanna get married! I'm only 16!  
  
Dwarf: Oh, don't worry. Ye'll like William. I'll talk to the priest and get ye set up fer a marriage...  
  
Yuffie: ARGH!!  
  
(She runs out, carrying armfuls of food. She reaches the door and finds Vincent in a complete state of boredom and despair.)  
  
Vincent: What's wrong?  
  
Yuffie: We're leaving!  
  
Vincent: Oh thank god and all his angels!  
  
(They run away.)  
  
**Garnet and Cid – Alexandria Castle  
  
**(Cid knocks on the door to the castle looking more than a little terrified)  
  
Butler: (opens door looking disgusted) We have a soup kitchen down the street if you are in need of nourishment...  
  
Cid: (less terrified now) Why you miserable, judgemental %$&! I'm no beggar! I'm here to &%£$ing have dinner with your Queen!!!  
  
Butler: gasps (bows deeply) My sincerest apologies, Mr...ah...Highwind was it? I beg your forgiveness...  
  
Cid: (mutters as he strides in, all fear gone...until he sees Garnet)  
  
Garnet: (Strolling into view in a huge, elaborate and needlessly expensive dress) You know...uh...Butler, I really am getting used to this life. I'll need a new dress hand stitched for tomorrow naturally.  
  
Butler: Yes, majesty. Your...date has arrived, ma'am.  
  
Cid: I...uh...Cid Highwind...  
  
Garnet: Oh good evening Mr Highwind! The agency said you were coming. The dinner is almost prepared, please follow me.  
  
(After walking so far through the immense castle that they cross an international time zone, they arrive at the immense dining room)  
  
Garnet: Brilliant really that by the time we get here the dinner is already set and we can dig in!  
  
Cid: Uh, what happened to your voice, Miss Garnet?  
  
Garnet: Oh please don't call me that! Call me Dagger! And I only talk with that drivvly accent to impress the butler! He freaks me out.  
  
Cid: Well %&$ me! That's a relief! (and is 'drivvly' even a word??) Ah! What are you doing!?  
  
Dagger: What does it look like? I'm taking off this stupidly oversized dress! Don't worry I'm not a stripper!  
  
Cid: (trying not to sound too disappointed) oh...  
  
Dagger: (Wearing her normal orange number) Well let's eat before the food gets cold and we have to fly in new stuff from Treno!  
  
Cid: woah...I confess, Miss...uh...Dagger, I'm not used to such (%(%king finery as this. Shera can't cook!  
  
Dagger: I would ask who Shera was, but I don't care seeing as I'm only seeing you to annoy Zidane and even if I did like you, I could have this Shera killed in an instant. I'm a %&&king Queen you know. I can do that.  
  
Cid: (widens eyes) You %&&king $&$%&&%!!!!! I'm just some tool to get back at some %&!? You sit me down here and give me free food and for what!? Wait...free food...no obligations...what the %& am I saying!? Good luck to Zidane I say! Let's eat! (Starts eating)  
  
Dagger: (whispering to herself and looking at her watch) And that's exactly five mintues...now.  
  
Cid: (mouth full) What was that?  
  
Dagger: Oh I made a deal with the Butler that if I kept guests happy for five minutes whilst being queen-like he'll never force me to see them again. Now excuse me while I get back into this house of a dress! (dresses once more)  
  
Cid: So...no more free food? %&$&$ that! (starts cramming his pockets with food...and silverware)  
  
Dagger: Butler! Please come hither.  
  
Butler: Yes M'lady, everything is in order?  
  
Dagger: I am afraid not. This man's eating habits offend me. Please take him away.  
  
Cid: (getting angry) Y'know, Dagger, if this guy bosses you around, then fire his %&%$&king ass! You're the God damned Queen! (stomps out and away)  
  
Dagger: (Thinks for a moment) GET OUT OF MY HIDIOUSLY OVERSIZED CASTLE YOU CONTROL FREAK! I CAN SERVE MY OWN CAVIAR FROM NOW ON! Actually I don't even Like caviar so &$&%& you! (Turns in disgust back to her now silverware- less meal)  
  
Butler: Damn...ok I'll go...you big meanie...(Hangs head and leaves)


	7. Cloud & Beatrix's Dates and Villains!

**Cloud and Beatrix – Alexandria.**  
  
(Cloud is standing in Alexandria, gazing at a couple of Beatrix's guards.)  
  
Cloud: (wonderingly) I've never seen so many scantily clad women in my life...  
  
(Beatrix enters and looks for Cloud. He is easy to spot. Of course, with hair like a Chocobo's butt, it's hard NOT to spot him.)  
  
Beatrix: Are you Cloud Strife?  
  
Cloud: Sure am! Wow, you're hot!  
  
Beatrix: Actually, today is not too bad so I'm a reasonable temperature.  
  
Cloud: ...wha?  
  
Beatrix: So how do you like Alexandria?  
  
Cloud: It's cool.  
  
Beatrix: Why do you refer to the temperature so much?  
  
Cloud: ... your mouth was moving, but all I heard was blah blah blah.  
  
Beatrix: I... see. Ahem, would you care for a Gysahl pickle? An acquired taste, but most enjoyable.  
  
Cloud: Cool, food. (He eats a pickle and starts to choke. Beatrix whacks him on the back.)  
  
Beatrix: So, we are to have a boat ride, according to this letter from the Agency.  
  
Cloud: Yeah. I have a submarine back home. And an airship. And a rocket. And we did have a plane, but we crashed into the sea.  
  
Beatrix: Come, I shall show you the boat. And I would not recommend ogling my guards so much. They tend to hit things when irritated.  
  
(Cloud is not listening. He is talking to one of the guards.)  
  
Cloud: Wanna see my sword? It's REALLY big!  
  
(The guards clobber him. He climbs into the boat, bleeding from the nose and with a black eye.)  
  
Beatrix: I told you so.  
  
Cloud: Owie...  
  
Beatrix: that is Alexandria castle.  
  
Cloud: It's really cool.  
  
Beatrix: Yes... I see... anyway, tell me about yourself.  
  
Cloud: Well... I used to be a SOLDIER. Now I'm in AVALANCHE. I saved the planet.  
  
Beatrix: That's quite impressive. It's a pity I have no idea what you're talking about. Why did you sign up to the agency?  
  
Cloud: Well... I can't remember. I was bored and Aeris had just come back and Tifa was sad and Yuffie suggested it so I did. You?  
  
Beatrix: My partner and I agreed to spend some time apart.  
  
Cloud: Oh.  
  
Beatrix: Yes, Steiner is an admirable man. I am really very fond of him, you know.  
  
Cloud: Then why are you on a date with me?  
  
Beatrix: Because... I can't remember. We have nothing in common.  
  
Cloud: Oh, thank god you feel that way!  
  
(He jumps out of the boat onto land and starts chatting up two guards. Within seconds he is lying beaten and bleeding on the floor.)  
  
Beatrix: Men...

* * *

Kuja put down a card with a green monkey on it. "Snap!" He cried, thoroughly over excited. Sephiroth stared at him and he blushed. "I like cards, OK?" "God, I'm so bored!" Sephiroth moaned. Edea grinned. "Yeah, but look how much money we made!" She said, waving a wad of Gil at him. "Whatever. It's not like there's anywhere to spend it." Sephiroth pointed out.  
  
They were interrupted by the door banging open. The little bell hung above it jangled noisily. In marched Tifa. She went up to the counter and said angrily, "Who's in charge here?"  
  
Sephiroth looked at her and fell off his chair. Edea rolled her eyes and stepped up. "Can I help you, Miss?" "Yes, you can! You set me up on the worst date of my life! I applied so I could find someone decent, not someone like Steiner!" "Please, calm down Miss. If your date was not to your satisfaction, we will be only too glad to set up another one." "Well, you'd better!" Tifa said, and turned away. But she paused, looked back and said. "Is that Sephiroth?" "Yes. There's no excuse for him, I'm afraid."  
  
Tifa left. Bewildered. But the door had not been shut for more than a few minutes when Steiner walked in, closely followed by Aeris. They both walked up the counter. "I have a complaint to make!" Aeris said, but froze. Sephiroth had stood up and was grinning evilly. Aeris stepped back slowly and tapped Steiner's shoulder. "Can I borrow your breastplate?" He nodded and a moment later, clad in thick steel, she stepped back up the counter. "I have a complaint!" "Yes?" Edea said, ignoring Sephiroth's snickers. "You set me up with the most boring man on any planet there is! All he said was whatever!" Aeris told her.  
  
Edea nodded. "Very well, I'll arrange another date." "Thank you. Oh, and if you see Squall, here's his wallet." She tossed the empty leather pack onto the counter, handed Steiner his armour and left. Steiner briefly made his complaint and then left too. Edea was quite pleased. He hadn't taken his eyes off her breasts since he came in...  
  
Sephiroth watched in amusement as every single date they had arranged came in to complain to Edea. Eventually she sent Cloud scurrying away with the use of a very powerful ice spell. Kuja sighed. "So we have to reschedule all of these people?" "Yes." "Fine. Let's get it over with. I have a manicure appointment and I DON'T want to miss it." Kuja said, flicking his hair back. Edea couldn't help wrinkling her nose. She just hoped he wasn't going to the same manicurist as she was...  
  
Sephiroth looked over the pile of slips and smiled evilly. "You know..." The two other villains looked up. They knew that look. That was the oh-I'm- so-bored-I-think-I'll-destroy-a-town-or-two look. "We could have a little fun with these people." "What sort of fun?" Edea asked suspiciously. Sephiroth's smile doubled in both size and evil factor. "They want a date? We'll give them a date." 


	8. Beatrix & Reno and Shera & Zell's 2nd Da...

Beatrix & Reno – Date 2 – Kalm, Mansion  
  
Reno: Woah, I actually got here early! That's a first! (Looks around) So this is the famous Shinra mansion...Weird I've never been here before...it's actually kinda scary...  
  
(Something taps him on the shoulder)  
  
Reno: (screams like a little girl (and that's an insult to little girls) and runs)  
  
Beatrix: What is the matter with him? I assume he is my intended date...(follows Reno and eventually finds him cowering behind a dying fern)  
  
Reno: Ah, uh...you found me..uh...Beatrix! It was you who tapped me right?  
  
Beatrix: (nods)  
  
Reno: I wasn't scared or anything, I just thought a rousing game of...uh...hide and seek would be really...romantic...Hi I'm Reno!  
  
Beatrix: (raises eyebrow)  
  
Reno: You're really pretty you know that?  
  
Beatrix: Yes. I know, Thank you. Shall we go somewhere a little more palatable? This place smells of rotting grass.  
  
Reno: Sure, baby, whatever you say!  
  
Beatrix: Did you just refer to me as a child?  
  
Reno: No...I just...it's only...oh never mind.  
  
(They find some food and cushions laid out outside Vincent's room and settle down to talk)  
  
Beatrix: I must say this place really is not bad for a dating venue.  
  
Reno: Yeah, there's cool, creepy vibes and it's completely empty! (Realizes they're all alone) You're not scared are you? Because we could snuggle together and keep safe...(slides closer to Beatrix)  
  
Beatrix: (Draws her sword) Do not try anything that might be thought of as amusing.  
  
Reno: (Confused) You mean no funny stuff? Fine fine, I'll be good.  
  
(They are disturbed suddenly by Vincent opening his door looking tired)  
  
Reno: (Startled, jumps into Beatrix's arms) Hold me.  
  
Vincent: Can you please keep it down? I have just had a VERY unpleasant date with that brat, Yuffie and I am trying to forget about it and go to sleep!  
  
Reno: (Embarrassedly getting out of Beatrix's arms) Man, I feel for you. That would be one bad date. I can't stand that kid! We'll just go somewhere else.  
  
Vincent: (Grunts and goes back to his coffin)  
  
They walk back up the stairs into the bedroom and sit down)  
  
Beatrix: Was that a friend of yours?  
  
Reno: An enemy actually. (Remembering his pickup lines) ...But I didn't want to start a fight and ruin our lovely evening together.  
  
Beatrix: (Smiling for the first time) That's sweet.  
  
Reno: (Smiling with self satisfaction he leans against a wall. The secret door opens and Reno falls all the way to the bottom of the spiral staircase)  
  
Beatrix: (Calling down the stairs) Are you in need of medical assistance?  
  
Reno: Uh...no, I'm good. (Cracks his arm back into place) I just need to lie down for a bit...(groans)  
  
(Beatrix groans with exasperation and carries him into the library past Vincent's place)  
  
Beatrix: (Dropping Reno and looking around) Now this is more like it. A library. Something I can easily relate to. You'll be fine won't you Reno? I'll just take a look around.  
  
Reno: (gurgles from the floor)  
  
Beatrix: How fascinating...This...Sephiroth sounds like quite a legend. Oh, here's a picture of him! (Stares at the picture, then at Reno, and back again)  
  
Reno: What?  
  
Beatrix: Nothing, it's just he is a very fine man. I think I'd like to meet him one day...  
  
Reno: Oh that is it. You drop my broken body on the floor, ignore me then compare me unfavourably to other men!? I would storm out right about now but seeing as I can't move I'd appreciate it if you left instead.  
  
Beatrix: Gladly. You may have been better company than my last date but I know there are better men out there. Men who aren't cowards...  
  
(Beatrix leaves taking the picture of Sephiroth with her)  
  
Reno: (Shouting) Vincent! Vincent! Help! (Whispering) It's dark down here and I'm half paralysed...(Whimpers)  
  
Zell and Shera: The Auction House  
  
(Zell is waiting outside the auction house, holding his T-Board)  
  
Zell: Hmm... could be worse, I guess. Could be that last date. God, she was dull...  
  
(Shera enters and sees him)  
  
Shera: Oh, for goodness sake! Can't they set me up with someone my own age?  
  
Zell: You're Shera?  
  
Shera: Yes, I presume you're Zell. Do you have a tail?  
  
Zell: No.  
  
Shera: Definite improvement on the last one. Shall we go in?  
  
Zell: Sure, why not.  
  
(They enter the Auction House and sit down at the back.)  
  
Zell: (Fiddling with T-Board) Stupid thing...  
  
Shera: Let me see. I'm a mechanic.  
  
Zell: Really?  
  
Shera: Yes, I helped build a rocket.  
  
Zell: Cool!  
  
Shera: (Examining T-Board) Yes... I see the problem. The hyperwires have crossed with the electrocircuit resulting in a circuit breakage.  
  
Zell: Your mouth was moving but all I heard was monkey.  
  
(Shera pulls out a screwdriver and starts to fiddle with the board. After a few minutes she hands it back to him.)  
  
Shera: It should be alright now.  
  
Zell: That's pretty impressive for someone your age!  
  
Shera: I beg your pardon?  
  
Zell: (In horror) I-I-I mean... um... well, you're...  
  
Shera: (Laughing) It's OK.  
  
Zell: I just didn't expect someone like you.  
  
Shera: Ditto. I was hoping to get someone my own age this time. I got set up with a monkey last time.  
  
Zell: I got set up with some rat-woman. She was really uptight.  
  
Shera: I think this date's going better though.  
  
Zell: Yeah... say, do you know how to fix camcorders? I dropped mine in the toilet.  
  
(An hour later. They are still talking.)  
  
Shera: I'd better be getting home soon.  
  
Zell: Yeah, me too.  
  
Shera: I had a good time. If you want, I'll show you the new rocket I'm working on.  
  
Zell: (Punching the air) YES!!  
  
Auctioneer: SOLD to the raucous young man in the back row!  
  
Zell: Huh?  
  
Auctioneer: Congratulations, and I hope you enjoy your cow!  
  
Cow: Moo.  
  
Zell: Um... Shera, do you want a cow?  
  
Shera: Not so much.  
  
Zell: Great. 


	9. Zidane Rinoa and Tifa Amarant's dates

**Zidane and Rinoa – The Temple of Ancients**

(Rinoa is waiting outside the temple, which has magically reappeared because the authors wanted it to.)

Rinoa: La, la, la... where is this guy?

(Zidane appears and a grin crosses his face as he sees her)

Zidane: Now that's more like it. Hey baby.

Rinoa: Are you Zidane?

Zidane: That's me. Rinoa?

Rinoa: Yeah! Have you seen this place? It's totally weird!

Zidane: Yeah, I guess so. Shall we go in?

Rinoa: Sure!

(They enter and soon find themselves trapped the 3D maze.)

Zidane: This place is kinda creepy.

Rinoa: I like it. It's very interesting.

Zidane: So... tell me about yourself.

Rinoa: Well, I got fed up with my boyfriend Squall always being so sulky, so I decided to enter the dating agency to teach him a lesson.

Zidane: My girlfriend entered me, because I didn't take her out one evening.

Rinoa: Wow, harsh.

Zidane: I know. I have other commitments, you know?

Rinoa: I know! It's like, he's always saying 'whatever' when I want to talk about feelings, or where we should go at the weekend.

Zidane: Really?

Rinoa: Yeah!

Zidane: Maybe you should just yell at him for a while. Whenever my girlfriend feels I'm not giving her enough attention she starts yelling. After that I'm so freaked out, I usually become attentive for a few days.

Rinoa: ...That's actually not such a bad idea. I think I'll try it!

Zidane: I'm good!

(Later on. They are still stuck in the maze)

Rinoa: OK, this is getting kinda old. I swear I passed that lump of moss an hour ago.

Zidane: I know... geez.

Rinoa: So tell me about your world.

Zidane: Well, I saved it a while ago. From Kuja.

Rinoa: Kuja?

Zidane: Evil dude. Tried to destroy the world.

Rinoa: My, THAT'S original.

Zidane: Yeah. Anyway, this guy has eye shadow, a thong and a collection of nail varnishes. Hardly a challenge.

Rinoa: Sounds familiar... is he the guy who works in the Agency?

Zidane: That's him. Total freak.

Rinoa: I know! Although, he DOES have nice hair.

Zidane: Yeah, I'm not gonna deny that. Everyone likes to nice hair. Except Amarant.

Rinoa: He goes to Paulo's. You should try Paulo, he's great!

Zidane: ...does he condition?

Rinoa: Like you wouldn't _believe_!

(Night has fallen. The pair finally emerge from the Temple.)

Zidane: This was fun!

Rinoa: It really was.

Zidane: I'll meet you at Paulo's on Friday for a trim and blow-dry.

Rinoa: Ask for the Fantasy special. It's incredible.

Zidane: Will do. Oh, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this to the guys. They're kinda old-fashioned about this kinda thing.

Rinoa: Totally. I'll bet Paulo will do your tail as well.

Zidane: Fantastic! See you then!

(They part ways)

Rinoa: Aw, what a nice guy.

* * *

**Tifa and Amarant – Oeilvert**

Tifa: (seeing Amarant at the entrance) So sorry I'm late! You are Amarant right? Finding this place was a nightmare! I don't even know how to pronounce it!

Amarant: Yeah.

Tifa: Hi, I'm Tifa. Pleased to meet you!

Amarant: You know who I am already and not a lot makes me pleased.

Tifa: Well. Aren't you the big broody type! You've been here before I take it?

Amarant: I have. Let's go in.

Tifa: Ok! I like the...uh...architecture. Very...different.

(They go up the steps into the main entrance)

Tifa: This is so cool! Like some big haunted mansion or something! Oh, sorry I keep going on. Does it bother you?

Amarant: Yes.

Tifa: Oh. Well tell me about yourself.

Amarant: I had a respectable job as a guard until I was set up. Now I'm an outlaw making money as a hired assassin. Oh, and I saved the world with these...people one time.

Tifa: Ooh, a dangerous guy huh? That's fascinating.

Amarant: And yourself? What do you do?

Tifa: I run a bar.

Amarant: Oh. That's...nice.

Tifa: Well I did save the world too. But I think my real achievement is my bar. It's very nice.

Amarant: ...Huh. Want some food?

Tifa: Sure! Lead the way!

Amarant: I don't know where they expect us to eat here but we can wander around and look.

(They wander for a bit and come to the place where Amarant got his foot stuck.)

Amarant: Sniff.

Tifa: What is it?

Amarant: I...have a bad memory here...(sits down heavily)

Tifa: Aww, do you want to talk about it?

Amarant: I...got my foot stuck!!!

Tifa: You got your foot stuck??

Amarant: It was horrible. I groaned and groaned for whole minutes but no one heard and my foot started aching and I was so scared! (sniff) Then Zidane found me and I was touched really but I couldn't tell him that so I acted like it meant nothing...but it meant so much to me!!!

Tifa: You poor thing! Hiding your feelings...it's tough I know.

Amarant: Let's go somewhere else. Let's find the food.

Tifa: Sure. Ok.

(They find some lit candles and some food spread on the floor of the library room)

Amarant: That's why I grew my hair so big when I was younger.

Tifa: Huh? Why?

Amarant: To hide my face. So I could hide my feelings too. It's easier when everybody thinks you're dangerous, but it's so lonely! So lonely...

Tifa: Well, I'm here now and you're not alone. You just have to learn to let people in and share your feelings more. My friend Aeris had this date with a guy named Squall and he was so withdrawn he left the date without her! Just walked off! Can you believe that!? But just remember you're not alone. It'll be alright.

Amarant: Yes. It will. And I'm not alone. I have my pet cat, Mr Whiskers living in my hair to keep me company.

Mr Whiskers: Mieeeeew!

Amarant: I'm afraid I just had a lapse in my defensive consciousness. But I'm back to normal now.

Tifa: What are you saying?

Amarant: I'm saying that I chose to be alone (except for Mr Whiskers) and I don't mind except for in my lapses and since you know how I really feel, I must...dispose of you. Nobody must know that I have feelings.

Tifa: (Exasperated) Then why did you sign up to go on a blind date!? That's practically all about sharing feelings! Well, sometimes it isn't...

Amarant: (Drawing his armed fist) You will never tell another soul what you have heard tonight...

Tifa: (screams and runs out of the building)

(Amarant chases Tifa cartoon style across the desert until...uh...he gets tired and goes home.)

End.

Extra

(Amarant picks up his mail a week later and opens a blank envelope. There's a card inside.)

Card:

**I KNOW WHAT YOU FELT LAST WEEK**

(It was loneliness with a hint of compassion! (giggle))

Amarant: NOoooooooOOOOooooOOO!!! I should have killed her when I had the amazingly easy chance! Grr...If only she wasn't such a fast run


	10. Cid Steiner and Freya Vincent date 2

**Cid and Steiner – The Midgar Slums**

(Cid is waiting outside the Inn, looking uncomfortable.)

Cid: I'm gonna kill those jerks at the Agency....

(Steiner enters.)

Steiner: Good sir, might you direct me to the whereabouts of Cid Highwind?

Cid: I'm Cid Highwind!

Steiner: (understandably shocked) What?! But I was expecting a woman!

Cid: You and me both! You're saying you're my date for the evening?

Steiner: Apparently so... there must have been a mix up at the agency.

Cid: Mix up my ass! Aw, what the hell. Might as well enjoy the evening.

Steiner: You have the details of our entertainment?

Cid: yeah (lights a cigarette and looks Steiner up and down) don't think you're gonna like it, tin man.

Steiner: (huffily) Sir! I assure you, I am most open to trying new things!

Cid: We'll see. Follow me.

(Cid leads Steiner to the Honey Bee Inn.)

Steiner: What manner of place is this?

Cid: It's a damn brothel! What the hell did ya think it was?

Steiner: (Aghast) But... but...

Cid: (To the lady at the door) we're here for the spa and massage deal.

Bee-Girl: Are you the pair from the agency? Follow me, sirs!

(Steiner tries to follow but has his hands clapped over his eyes.)

Steiner: Mr Highwind, I'm very uncomfortable with this situation!

Cid: Nothin' I can do about that.

(He has undressed and is sitting in the Jacuzzi.)

Steiner: I think I should leave.

Cid: Can't. You don't get out until you've had what you paid for.

Steiner: Oh my...

(Two girls come in)

Girl#1: Sir, if you'd like to take off your armour, we can start the massages.

Steiner: I don't think...

Cid: For chrissake, take off the damn armour!

(An hour later. Cid and Steiner are in the Jacuzzi with beers, the girls rubbing their necks and shoulders. Both have consumed a lot of alcohol.)

Cid: So I says, I says, listen man... you either gimme my pie or... or you get a punch in da... da thingy...

Steiner: (Giggling like a little girl)

Cid: Are you... you drunk?

Steiner: Pfft. No.... I is just... just a diddy teeny bit... drunk.

(We see the pair being thrown out of the Honey Bee Inn)

Cid: I don't need yer stinkin' beer!

Steiner: Me neither!

Cid: Yeah... c'mon, Steiny... let's go find more beer...

Steiner: Yeah! More beer... beer is good...

(It is 3 am. The pair are now wandering around in each other's clothes and wearing bunny ears. They stop.)

Steiner: ...Where does I live?

Cid: Dunno... who is ya?

Steiner: ...dunno.

(They both collapse and start snoring.)

* * *

**Freya and Vincent – Orphanage**

Vincent: (arriving early) Let's see...this is a dank, dismal, deserted place with no appliances of any kind and very little in the way of furniture...this is my kind of place! (Hides in a box and falls asleep)

Freya: Hmmm...it seems my date has not arrived yet. Well, I will just sit on this conveniently placed box and wait for him.

(15 minutes stroll by)

Vincent: Man, I'm getting hungry. Isn't she here yet? I would have heard her come in. I haven't fallen asleep or anything...Hey what's that grey, carrot-shaped thing poking through a hole in my box? I think I'm going to assume it's a carrot and bite it without even grabbing it first!

Freya: This is ridiculous. I should go...what's that muffled voice? AAAAGH! My tail! (Strokes tail now with bite marks, then drags out Vincent who's half asleep again)

Vincent: Oh there you are! You're late you know! Nearly fell asleep with the waiting and everything!

Freya: I have been here for twenty minutes at least. You just fell asleep in the conveniently placed box!

Vincent: Well, sorry about that. I'm Vincent. Pleasure.

Freya: Well, it was no ones fault I suppose. I am Freya.

Vincent: Hey, you're not human are you?

Freya: (slightly annoyed) Is that a problem?

Vincent: Of course not! I'm not human either! (turns into Chaos)

Freya: Well, that's different. And very...handsome in a monstrous way...

Chaos: Grr! (bites off the tip of Freya's tail, then reverts back to Vincent)

Freya: AAAGH AGAIN! Look what you've done! I can easily take the unbearable pain, but look at my once beautiful-now disfigured tail! (Slaps Vincent)

Vincent: It wasn't me! It was the monster in my brain! Honest!

Freya: Hmph! Whatever. Once I've stifled this excessive bleeding, we can eat. I suppose...

(several swear words and a bandage later...)

Freya: Eating dinner on the beach was a great idea. I'm glad I came up with it.

Vincent: You know, I'm really not a great fan of...wide-open spaces...Can I bring my box?

Freya: Very well. You don't seem to be a great conversationalist anyway, and if that-that beast comes out again it will be trapped.

Vincent: Yay! (runs to get his box and returns shortly)

Freya: This is delicious food. I'm glad I brought it. I must say, Vincent, that this date is going considerably better than my last. At least you talk in a dialect I can understand!

Vincent: (snores)

Freya: (angry) WAKE UP!

Vincent: I'M NOT A VAMPIRE!

Freya: ...I...didn't say you were...

Vincent: I fear I must go. I need to sleep at least a century a night or I get cranky.

(Vincent leaves covering his head with the box...and snoring)

Freya: (thoroughly confused) ...Much better than my previous date...(continues eating)

* * *


	11. Yuffie Selphie & Aeris Dagger Date 2

**Aeris and Dagger – City of the Ancients**

(Aeris and Dagger arrive outside the city at the same time and look at each other suspiciously.)

Dagger: ... Hi.

Aeris: Hello.

(Awkward silence)

Dagger: Meeting someone?

Aeris: Yes.

Dagger: Me too. Dating Agency thing.

Aeris: Me too.

Dagger: Oh.

(Long awkward silence)

Aeris: (Trying to be friendly) I'm Aeris Gainsborough, by the way.

Dagger: Queen Garnet til Alexandros 17th.

Aeris: Wow. Long name.

Dagger: I pretty much go by 'Dagger' now.

Aeris: Right.

(Silence)

Dagger: So, who are you meeting?

Aeris: Someone called... (Realisation strikes) Dagger...

Dagger: Oh... OH! YOU'RE Aeris!

Aeris: Yes! Oh... I guess the agency made a mistake.

Dagger: Urgh, they're useless.

Aeris: I know. I got set up with a guy who said nothing but 'Whatever' last time.

Dagger: I got set up with an old man who kept swearing all the time.

Aeris:... Cid Highwind?

Dagger: Yes, that's him!

Aeris: Oh, he can be sweet. But not the kind of guy to take home.

Dagger: TELL me about it!

(An hour later. They are walking around the City.)

Aeris:...And that's where I died, and that's where my 'friends' dumped me...

Dagger: They dumped you in a lake?

Aeris: I know! I mean, I'm aware that they were busy saving the world, but would it have killed them to dig a grave, make a little headstone...

Dagger: I can't believe how much we have in common!

Aeris: I know! Say, do you want to see where I dropped my Holy Materia?

Dagger: Sure!

(Later that day. Outside the City)

Dagger: Aeris, this was so much fun! Of course, I'm still going to complain to the Agency for setting me up with a woman, but you know...

Aeris: Totally! Hey, let's go do that now! And you can tell me some more about being queen.

Dagger: Sounds good!

And thus started their beautiful friendship...

**Yuffie and Selphie – Midgar**

**By BlueDaemon and Kat097**

(Yuffie is sitting in the playground in Midgar, on a swing.)

Yuffie: Gawd, I've been waiting for ages...

(Selphie rushes in)

Selphie: I'm late, I'm late, I'M LATE!!

(She stops, stumbling on a loose rock)

Selphie: And apparently on the wrong date. I'm supposed to be meeting a guy.

Yuffie: Are you Selphie Tilmett?

Selphie: Yeah. You're Yuffie? Damn, I wanted a good date this time...

Yuffie: Tell me about it. Hey, I like your dress!

Selphie: Thanks, nice shuriken.

Yuffie: Well, do you wanna get an ice-cream?

Selphie: Sure! No sense in wasting a date!

(In a café somewhere...)

Yuffie: I can't believe that crappy agency! They set me up with a _vampire_ last time!

Selphie: You're, like, joking? I got some really tall guy who was totally mean!

Yuffie: Gawd, what it wrong with these people? It's, like, so totally pathetic!

Selphie: Uh, yeah!

(They wander to the park with their ice-creams)

Selphie: And I was all like, yeah. And he was all like, no and we were both _totally_ like OK!

Yuffie: That is so cool! Hey, do you like to fight evil?

Selphie: Yeah! Fighting evil is _so_ totally cool!

Yuffie: Like guys who are all 'let's destroy the world' and we're all 'nuh uh!'.

Selphie: I so get that.

Yuffie: Sweet.

Selphie: Sooo...Nice ice cream.

Yuffie: Yeah! Only now I'm on a sugar high! Wanna go to some clubs and have a totally awesome girls night out?

Selphie: That'd be sweet! But I haven't got any money! I was expecting a guy and they're always supposed to pay for a lady's meal...

Yuffie: Of course! chivalry rocks! Don't worry though. I uh..._found_ some materia we can sell so we're set!

(At a seedy strip club)

Yuffie: Uh...I think we're at the wrong kind of club...

Selphie: Cover your eyes!

Half Naked Woman: Hey darling, wanna dance?

Selphie: No...no thank you.

Yuffie: Yeah...we should go...now...

(outside)

Selphie: Y'know Yuffie, good-time-wise, Midgar sucks!

Yuffie: You wanna go home and write angry letters to the dating agency instead?

Selphie: I so totally do!

Yuffie: Wait a minute...

Selphie: What?

Yuffie: I...think...we need more ice cream!

Selphie: Yeah! And chocolate!

(They both skip home, eat lots of chocolate and ice cream and gossip about nothing very important...)

(_Sorry this chapter took so long! Mostly my (blue daemon) fault because kat097 can do no wrong! seriously! Anyway, hope you liked it and there's more to come soon!) _   



End file.
